Why is that seemingly bottomless pit of blues and hopelessness so hard to crawl out of? Why do we seem to blame ourselves for the depression and in turn the inefficient vicissitudes that ensue.
Man I had it bad these past two weeks, for seemingly no particular reason. The I piled guilt on top of it, self-hate and negative self-talk that I don't think I've even heard uttered out of another persons mouth never mind in my own head.
So I'm better now, for reasons as mysterious as when I wasn't.
Didn't drink. Thought it would help, which I can't deny it does for about 10 minutes! But I kept in mind my most likely suffering sponsor who, from what I know, is relapsing and really I can only imagine. But I stayed strong, prayed for him. Depression is a good time to be mindful of the suffering that other people are going through, and that is an insight I truly am grateful to have been shown. So Joe this goies out to you, love you brother and we're here when you can find strength to come back.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
So I kinda hang out in a class and listen to stuff
The stuff of dreams actually, I've the privilege of sitting in on The Philosophy of Science Class which I hope will reactivate any sleeping areas of my brain. Sitting in just one day so far has illustrated clearly for me the benefit of a class over 'reading what I want when I want'. There's a little more thought guidance going on which is probably something that I need right now.
So my hopes at this time are as follows: I hope to be able to get a grasp of where I am academically; I hope to trigger some excitement about the field of science; I hope to follow the teaching methods of my teacher Prof Russe and develop a clearer picture of a future in teaching; I hope to compare the academic lifestyle I imagine in my head to the real-world version hehe
It's incredible how different going to a class and feeling my consciousness move to the direction of the teacher as well as participate in something bigger and different than I imagined. It brings my interest in science and learning into a new dimension of participating in the act of learning about science.
As I compare a lot of what happens in the growth of the mind during training of it to Buddhist monks, I see that this is comparable to the difference of meditating alone, and joining a monastery to pray and study... the participation factor is an essential ingredient.
So those are my thought after one day of one class...
So my hopes at this time are as follows: I hope to be able to get a grasp of where I am academically; I hope to trigger some excitement about the field of science; I hope to follow the teaching methods of my teacher Prof Russe and develop a clearer picture of a future in teaching; I hope to compare the academic lifestyle I imagine in my head to the real-world version hehe
It's incredible how different going to a class and feeling my consciousness move to the direction of the teacher as well as participate in something bigger and different than I imagined. It brings my interest in science and learning into a new dimension of participating in the act of learning about science.
As I compare a lot of what happens in the growth of the mind during training of it to Buddhist monks, I see that this is comparable to the difference of meditating alone, and joining a monastery to pray and study... the participation factor is an essential ingredient.
So those are my thought after one day of one class...
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Incubation For The Eager Soul
I write today early early in the morning having woken earlier than usual. I write this year having woken later than usual.
I shall explain what I mean in a minute, but I will be the first to congratulate myself on a knock-up job in semi0isolation for the past year. Like a dog with a milkbone on his nose I begrudgingly and often with some resentment maintained a barebones approach to life, faith gathered mostly from out buddhist brothers who go into seclusion for spiritual growth. I have learned one major lesson, and that is the appreciation of people, namely humans. In this sometimes laborious path of simplicity, humility, and getting tired of myself on a daily basis, I have been met with new insights which my earlier approach to life may not have brought me to. That is the insight of planned impulse. A twist on my previous mantra.
Just a year ago I honestly still believed that doing what I wanted when I wanted was a mark of independence and inso a virtue. I believed that following my heart meant acting on its whims. And that following rules was a sure sign of he who could not think for himself. I don't hate myself for thinking that, in fact I still admire the dedication it took to continue living that way despite the results which came short time after time after time.
This journey allowed me to doubt myself, even at times dangerously causing me to completely lose faith in myself. It brought me to my knees, and had me starving for a better way. Now you might be thinking that I'm going to say that this is where AA saved my life. And now you may be thinking that this is where i say it didn't, that it was something greater. Well I can say that it was both. AA gave me hope in a time of pitiful weakness and confusion. AA took me out of myself, though all the while a voice inside me wanted to try things my way (again). AA provides a framework for a specific population of people who couldn't stop drinking any other way, if you can imagine what being lost at sea might be like and seeing a ship in the distance ready and able to scoop you up. This is part of a beautiful component of humans to help another human who needs it. The program didn't give me hope, the people did. I slowly developed a sense of gratitude and admiration for the people who had survived their plight, continue to fight its return, and help those who want what they have. I developed a sense of gratitude for something new to me, willing indoctrination aka trust.
I have been so timid in returning to blog here, mostly because I didn't have an explanation for the url! Indoctrinonymous. The reason I think it doesn't convey what I had originally intended is because of the negative connotation of the term indoctrination. The playfulness in the word actually comes from the 'willing indoctrination' that we all 'accept' when we want to join something greater than ourselves, generally speaking.
Wikipedia: Indoctrination is the process of inculcating ideas, attitudes, cognitive strategies or a professional methodology. It is often distinguished from education by the fact that the indoctrinated person is expected not to question or critically examine the doctrine they have learned.
So when Socrates says question everything, and I take it literally for years and years, only to come up with much less than I set out for, moreover carrying baggage that I could not handle on my own, AA, in a sense saved my life by inviting me to accept the things I cannot change and more importantly change the things I can. I learned that the academic method of 'thinking your way out' of alcoholism was, while possible, a long and defeating journey for many who tried. I met people who were willing to follow the steps and traditions laid out in the big book and it worked for them. That was a beautiful thing to see. A first glimpse at trusting and accepting and hoping. In these three new feelings I found some determination, sort of a spark that was ignited. For the first time in a while I relied on the experience strength and hope of other people.
So Why indoctrinonymous? Because I went into AA with 2 different voices in my head. One said 'question this, doubt that' (old habits of thinking) and the other said 'trust the process, you have everything to gain.' That fact scared me a little.
Must I lose everything to subscribe to a way different than my own?
Yes, that was the case in this situation.
And second could I no longer rely on myself/ was conformity the only solution??
The answer seems simple now, but really, of course not, you can and must rely on yourself and non-conformity is still an option. Just because you had to ask for help doesn't mean that you are incapable. In fact it shows a new dimension in life which is not living it alone. Stubbornness for the sake of pride or for the sake of non-conformity is a lesson you don't want to have to learn the hard way, trust me. The kind of non-conformity that is admirable in a person is the type that betters the person and the world around him. Think Gandhi, Jesus. Think Rachel Carson or the Wright Brothers but for God sake not the one who is too stubborn to try AA because he's afraid of losing his independence. A person who is a slave to the bottle has already lost his independence. Doctrines are available for dismissal. "It is the mark of intelligence to entertain an idea without subscribing to it" When it comes to bettering your life, don't knock it til you've tried it. If you are able to regain your faith in Human Beings and yourself after willingly following the steps as laid out in the Big book, then enjoy because a new way of life has begun.
I started school today but that will be another blog entry because this takes it's own entry.
I shall explain what I mean in a minute, but I will be the first to congratulate myself on a knock-up job in semi0isolation for the past year. Like a dog with a milkbone on his nose I begrudgingly and often with some resentment maintained a barebones approach to life, faith gathered mostly from out buddhist brothers who go into seclusion for spiritual growth. I have learned one major lesson, and that is the appreciation of people, namely humans. In this sometimes laborious path of simplicity, humility, and getting tired of myself on a daily basis, I have been met with new insights which my earlier approach to life may not have brought me to. That is the insight of planned impulse. A twist on my previous mantra.
Just a year ago I honestly still believed that doing what I wanted when I wanted was a mark of independence and inso a virtue. I believed that following my heart meant acting on its whims. And that following rules was a sure sign of he who could not think for himself. I don't hate myself for thinking that, in fact I still admire the dedication it took to continue living that way despite the results which came short time after time after time.
This journey allowed me to doubt myself, even at times dangerously causing me to completely lose faith in myself. It brought me to my knees, and had me starving for a better way. Now you might be thinking that I'm going to say that this is where AA saved my life. And now you may be thinking that this is where i say it didn't, that it was something greater. Well I can say that it was both. AA gave me hope in a time of pitiful weakness and confusion. AA took me out of myself, though all the while a voice inside me wanted to try things my way (again). AA provides a framework for a specific population of people who couldn't stop drinking any other way, if you can imagine what being lost at sea might be like and seeing a ship in the distance ready and able to scoop you up. This is part of a beautiful component of humans to help another human who needs it. The program didn't give me hope, the people did. I slowly developed a sense of gratitude and admiration for the people who had survived their plight, continue to fight its return, and help those who want what they have. I developed a sense of gratitude for something new to me, willing indoctrination aka trust.
I have been so timid in returning to blog here, mostly because I didn't have an explanation for the url! Indoctrinonymous. The reason I think it doesn't convey what I had originally intended is because of the negative connotation of the term indoctrination. The playfulness in the word actually comes from the 'willing indoctrination' that we all 'accept' when we want to join something greater than ourselves, generally speaking.
Wikipedia: Indoctrination is the process of inculcating ideas, attitudes, cognitive strategies or a professional methodology. It is often distinguished from education by the fact that the indoctrinated person is expected not to question or critically examine the doctrine they have learned.
So when Socrates says question everything, and I take it literally for years and years, only to come up with much less than I set out for, moreover carrying baggage that I could not handle on my own, AA, in a sense saved my life by inviting me to accept the things I cannot change and more importantly change the things I can. I learned that the academic method of 'thinking your way out' of alcoholism was, while possible, a long and defeating journey for many who tried. I met people who were willing to follow the steps and traditions laid out in the big book and it worked for them. That was a beautiful thing to see. A first glimpse at trusting and accepting and hoping. In these three new feelings I found some determination, sort of a spark that was ignited. For the first time in a while I relied on the experience strength and hope of other people.
So Why indoctrinonymous? Because I went into AA with 2 different voices in my head. One said 'question this, doubt that' (old habits of thinking) and the other said 'trust the process, you have everything to gain.' That fact scared me a little.
Must I lose everything to subscribe to a way different than my own?
Yes, that was the case in this situation.
And second could I no longer rely on myself/ was conformity the only solution??
The answer seems simple now, but really, of course not, you can and must rely on yourself and non-conformity is still an option. Just because you had to ask for help doesn't mean that you are incapable. In fact it shows a new dimension in life which is not living it alone. Stubbornness for the sake of pride or for the sake of non-conformity is a lesson you don't want to have to learn the hard way, trust me. The kind of non-conformity that is admirable in a person is the type that betters the person and the world around him. Think Gandhi, Jesus. Think Rachel Carson or the Wright Brothers but for God sake not the one who is too stubborn to try AA because he's afraid of losing his independence. A person who is a slave to the bottle has already lost his independence. Doctrines are available for dismissal. "It is the mark of intelligence to entertain an idea without subscribing to it" When it comes to bettering your life, don't knock it til you've tried it. If you are able to regain your faith in Human Beings and yourself after willingly following the steps as laid out in the Big book, then enjoy because a new way of life has begun.
I started school today but that will be another blog entry because this takes it's own entry.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
"...to the child from whom this grown-up grew"
...read the dedication in The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint Exupéry. I can't think of a better way to dedicate such a gem of a story. I read the story from the context of a misunderstood child, or an adult with nonconformist views. That is the reason I adore The Little Prince, and it is from this paradigm that I begin my blogging!
While writing my first post, my mind is begging to throw some ideas, drop some names, twist some floating fibers of thought into threads of ideas and maybe weave them into a heel-reinforced athletic gym sock or other fiber-based garment. My Facebook friends (at least those who haven't blocked my posts yet) will be relieved to notice that my ideas, revelations, comparisons, theories and Eureka moments of any sort will snub FB, instead showing up here to Blogger, since I can't think of anything more irking than a blogger blogging on a non-blogging website; except perhaps overly-posted FarmVille updates, overuse of the 'relationship status' feature, or overuse of the 'poke' feature accompanied by non-use of the 'send email' feature, just to name a few. Point being, a bloggers home is on a blogging website, such as Blogger where I plan on blogging my blog.
May I post a dialogue from The Little Prince:
While writing my first post, my mind is begging to throw some ideas, drop some names, twist some floating fibers of thought into threads of ideas and maybe weave them into a heel-reinforced athletic gym sock or other fiber-based garment. My Facebook friends (at least those who haven't blocked my posts yet) will be relieved to notice that my ideas, revelations, comparisons, theories and Eureka moments of any sort will snub FB, instead showing up here to Blogger, since I can't think of anything more irking than a blogger blogging on a non-blogging website; except perhaps overly-posted FarmVille updates, overuse of the 'relationship status' feature, or overuse of the 'poke' feature accompanied by non-use of the 'send email' feature, just to name a few. Point being, a bloggers home is on a blogging website, such as Blogger where I plan on blogging my blog.
May I post a dialogue from The Little Prince:
"The men where you live," said the little prince, "raise five thousand roses in the same garden--and they do not find in it what they are looking for."
"They do not find it," I replied.
"And yet what they are looking for could be found in one single rose, or in a little water."
"Yes, that is true," I said.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)