I write today early early in the morning having woken earlier than usual. I write this year having woken later than usual.
I shall explain what I mean in a minute, but I will be the first to congratulate myself on a knock-up job in semi0isolation for the past year. Like a dog with a milkbone on his nose I begrudgingly and often with some resentment maintained a barebones approach to life, faith gathered mostly from out buddhist brothers who go into seclusion for spiritual growth. I have learned one major lesson, and that is the appreciation of people, namely humans. In this sometimes laborious path of simplicity, humility, and getting tired of myself on a daily basis, I have been met with new insights which my earlier approach to life may not have brought me to. That is the insight of planned impulse. A twist on my previous mantra.
Just a year ago I honestly still believed that doing what I wanted when I wanted was a mark of independence and inso a virtue. I believed that following my heart meant acting on its whims. And that following rules was a sure sign of he who could not think for himself. I don't hate myself for thinking that, in fact I still admire the dedication it took to continue living that way despite the results which came short time after time after time.
This journey allowed me to doubt myself, even at times dangerously causing me to completely lose faith in myself. It brought me to my knees, and had me starving for a better way. Now you might be thinking that I'm going to say that this is where AA saved my life. And now you may be thinking that this is where i say it didn't, that it was something greater. Well I can say that it was both. AA gave me hope in a time of pitiful weakness and confusion. AA took me out of myself, though all the while a voice inside me wanted to try things my way (again). AA provides a framework for a specific population of people who couldn't stop drinking any other way, if you can imagine what being lost at sea might be like and seeing a ship in the distance ready and able to scoop you up. This is part of a beautiful component of humans to help another human who needs it. The program didn't give me hope, the people did. I slowly developed a sense of gratitude and admiration for the people who had survived their plight, continue to fight its return, and help those who want what they have. I developed a sense of gratitude for something new to me, willing indoctrination aka trust.
I have been so timid in returning to blog here, mostly because I didn't have an explanation for the url! Indoctrinonymous. The reason I think it doesn't convey what I had originally intended is because of the negative connotation of the term indoctrination. The playfulness in the word actually comes from the 'willing indoctrination' that we all 'accept' when we want to join something greater than ourselves, generally speaking.
Wikipedia: Indoctrination is the process of inculcating ideas, attitudes, cognitive strategies or a professional methodology. It is often distinguished from education by the fact that the indoctrinated person is expected not to question or critically examine the doctrine they have learned.
So when Socrates says question everything, and I take it literally for years and years, only to come up with much less than I set out for, moreover carrying baggage that I could not handle on my own, AA, in a sense saved my life by inviting me to accept the things I cannot change and more importantly change the things I can. I learned that the academic method of 'thinking your way out' of alcoholism was, while possible, a long and defeating journey for many who tried. I met people who were willing to follow the steps and traditions laid out in the big book and it worked for them. That was a beautiful thing to see. A first glimpse at trusting and accepting and hoping. In these three new feelings I found some determination, sort of a spark that was ignited. For the first time in a while I relied on the experience strength and hope of other people.
So Why indoctrinonymous? Because I went into AA with 2 different voices in my head. One said 'question this, doubt that' (old habits of thinking) and the other said 'trust the process, you have everything to gain.' That fact scared me a little.
Must I lose everything to subscribe to a way different than my own?
Yes, that was the case in this situation.
And second could I no longer rely on myself/ was conformity the only solution??
The answer seems simple now, but really, of course not, you can and must rely on yourself and non-conformity is still an option. Just because you had to ask for help doesn't mean that you are incapable. In fact it shows a new dimension in life which is not living it alone. Stubbornness for the sake of pride or for the sake of non-conformity is a lesson you don't want to have to learn the hard way, trust me. The kind of non-conformity that is admirable in a person is the type that betters the person and the world around him. Think Gandhi, Jesus. Think Rachel Carson or the Wright Brothers but for God sake not the one who is too stubborn to try AA because he's afraid of losing his independence. A person who is a slave to the bottle has already lost his independence. Doctrines are available for dismissal. "It is the mark of intelligence to entertain an idea without subscribing to it" When it comes to bettering your life, don't knock it til you've tried it. If you are able to regain your faith in Human Beings and yourself after willingly following the steps as laid out in the Big book, then enjoy because a new way of life has begun.
I started school today but that will be another blog entry because this takes it's own entry.
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